Into the hole

I remember when I was first divorced, their was much confusion and misinformation coming from the other side in regards to what was happening. I had to filter through it all and make sure that my son who was living with me completely understood the dynamics of this dramatic change in his life. One of the early memories that sticks with me today is when he came to me and said one of his classmates was telling other students that he wanted to blow up the school. To me this was the perfect segue to approach the subject of our communication together and how important it was for him to tell me everything he was feeling, thinking about and was bothering him. I was knee deep into therapy and discussed with my therapist this issue and how to talk to my children about the divorce.

I began to talk about the "box" inside all of us that most people use to put their feelings in. I explained that the box in most people can only hold so much "stuff"  and then it over flows. Once the overflow happens it starts to poison people to start having thoughts that are caused by all the toxic overflow. I had to explain that when these feelings and thoughts aren't addressed and only stuffed down below that they fester and infiltrate the persons being. I referred to the kid he spoke about  who also came from a divorced family and that was ignored at home according to what my son had heard from him. My son I believe completely understood the concept I was trying to convey. I also had the Social Worker from school speak with my son for several sessions to make sure he was processing the whole school atmosphere and being divorced. One of the prouder moments as a dad who values open communication and seamless transparency, was the call I received from the Social Worker after her sessions with my son. She told me that he was very open with his feelings and said that he talks to his dad about everything. She said that he seemed very understanding of the divorce and that she didn't feel she needed to see him anymore unless I thought or felt he needed it.

I am proud to say that to this day my son and I share a great relationship where we still share everything under the sun. I feel he is wise beyond his years because I share many complex ideas and spiritual concepts with him and we discuss everything. He recently shared a personal struggle with the other household that was causing him physical pain. I am proud that he came to me first and I was able to address the situation and help my son not have to feel that way anymore. I want this relationship and its open and transparent dynamics to continue into our old age.

Shining through

It has been over a month since I have written anything. At first it was the excuse that I was looking for something to write about. Then I just kept putting it off. But what I realized is I was avoiding me, myself. I have been "doing" things that have only been keeping me occupied enough to not reflect back into my inner world. When I look at my day in its entirety I can count on one hand the moments when I was quiet, inner calm and peace scrubbing my vast inner being. There was a time after I was divorced and knee deep in therapy, that I spent a great deal of "time" within healing my soul. I would meditate for long periods of time. The funny thing was is that time slowed down, it basically fell away as I swam in a quiet bliss. My mind which normally is spitting out random thoughts non stop was turned off for long periods of "time". I was able to "see" life unfold in a new way. It was the first time that I discovered and completely understood that happiness, the one thing I always thought I had, rests solely within. I no longer needed someone to make me happy. I felt connected to the universe in an expansive way, that I was part of it. The inner world I came to where the calm, quiet peace resonated was the universe. The universe spoke through this silence and its expression was LOVE. It opened the door to the beautiful reality that we are all love. But it is in our DNA to run away from that space, the place where the only thing that matters is love. You ever give someone a smile and see their face light up with light.

Well over the years I slowly let my practice of meditation and finding the quietude within dwindle. I still practice meditation and finding time to go within but it is way less. But what I realized today was I needed to get back to that place. The place where that inner peace and beauty swells up and takes my breathe away. Where I am immersed in the wonder of the bee drinking nectar from the flower. Where the Humming birds playfully fly around my head and stop in front of my face with a look of wonder. When the smell of lilacs bliss's me out and takes me away. I want to enter the silence and ask for its help to appreciate the wonderment of the moment. I need to let go of the should of's and could of's that have creeped back in. I want to be a beacon of love that radiates outward. I want that space of love to be a shining light for people to shed their masks and feel safe. I want this, because heaven rests within this place and its right here on earth. This is what I want to shine through my soul.

Love Contemplation

Its been so long since I have felt true love for someone from the opposite sex, I don't remember. Does it have a smell, like the morning breeze on an early spring day waving around your head waking you up from a long winter. I want to hold love, feel its weight and mass and let it ooze all over my hands like melted dark chocolate. I want the texture to fill the lines of my hands and make them disappear. I want love to caress my face with such grace I shiver with joy. I want it to stand next to me, quiet and hold me. Hold me with such tenderness I weep uncontrollably. I want love to breath so close to me so I can remember the smell of her kiss. I want love to tell me its ok, I want love to tell me I am whole and alive. I want love to see me for who I am, to accept me unconditionally. I want love to give me space when I need it but always be there for me. I want love all to myself. I want love to penetrate my skin and pump through my veins with my blood. I want love to look into my eyes and send me off into another universe. I want love to know that I didn't mean to yell at her, it was me not accepting her for who she is. I want love to see what I see when I look at her. I want love to be the tickle of fresh cut grass on my bare feet. I want love to wait for me to find her. I want love here and now, with me.

I want love!

Reflections

One of the biggest waves that comes crashing down on you when you realize you are heading towards divorce is your kids. I knew that I needed to do everything I possibly could to protect them and that meant even staying in my marriage and making it work even though it was broken. I had to, they needed me here with them, right. When the seams have become undone and your world is crashing, you always want to stay in status quo. I had lost all control of my life, my only rock was my kids. They were so young, they really didn't know what was going on around them. All I could think about was them, how could I protect them from this tidal wave of change.

One of the blessings of the divorce was my arrival to the therapist. This will be another blog post down the road about all the wonderful blessings that came from my three years in therapy with an amazing lady. One of the precious healings I was graced with was that it was ok to walk away from the storm. Do you know how hard it is to hear that when you think so differently? I slowly unraveled my subconscious believes about it and learned it was safe to accept things as they are. "Accept things as they are", those words became my mantra throughout the whole uncoupling process. I became strong in knowing that I had to be a rock for my kids and establish a safe, happy home that they could flourish in.

They were still young and had to adjust to two sets of parents and two different ways of acceptance. I had to come to grips with not seeing them every day and that was one of the most painful, soul splitting experiences I ever have come to live through. But these experiences are what makes you into who you are, I am the man and father I am today because of these events in my life.

What I know to be true for my family is that the best decision that was made was the divorce. The negative energy and tension that permeated the house in the later years was felt by all even if it wasn't on the surface. By us being apart now I know my kids are in a much better place both spiritually and emotionally. All I can do is love them unconditionally and madly and cherish every moment I have with them.

I have often wondered if I would ever get to now, the point where I would be writing down my thoughts about how my life has unfolded. I started writing and when I say writing I mean putting things down on paper. I took notes about what I was thinking when I was kid and I slowly meandered to writing poetry. I have always had a questioning mind and needed an outlet to get it out of my head. My questions never seemed to end and I knew there was more to life than what everyone else thought. I am a few weeks shy of 49 and I am sure that most people my age had a certain vision of what their life was going to be like. They had plans all laid out and or else they actually didn't and really didn't care what direction things unfolded. Unfortunately I had an idea and fell into the typical layout; married with kids and a successful job. I figured it would be a fairy tale marriage and my life would unfold according to plan; perfect and filled with joyous, happy moments. I mean really, is there any way we could have all the answers and have the perfect script. Not a chance, not even close. There are so many influences pulling and pushing us, so many experiences that shape our subconscious and influence our daily lives.

As I write my first post I think about all that has gone wrong with my life. But that is not the way to look at it; not at all. I look at all the turning points, all the little bumps that pushed me this way or that. They all have lead me to here, now, right now! The long path that started in a hospital room in a Chicago to where I am now is the bases of why I want to write and share my experiences. So from here on out I will write about certain moments in my life that have shaped me, molded me into who I am today; a single father to four amazing kids. And also a human being walking the path with an open heart, an open mind. A man trying to figure out my place and find my purpose among my fellow travelers. I have much to share and look forward to this experiment I have embarked on. I hope you enjoy!

Namaste!