Love Contemplation

Its been so long since I have felt true love for someone from the opposite sex, I don't remember. Does it have a smell, like the morning breeze on an early spring day waving around your head waking you up from a long winter. I want to hold love, feel its weight and mass and let it ooze all over my hands like melted dark chocolate. I want the texture to fill the lines of my hands and make them disappear. I want love to caress my face with such grace I shiver with joy. I want it to stand next to me, quiet and hold me. Hold me with such tenderness I weep uncontrollably. I want love to breath so close to me so I can remember the smell of her kiss. I want love to tell me its ok, I want love to tell me I am whole and alive. I want love to see me for who I am, to accept me unconditionally. I want love to give me space when I need it but always be there for me. I want love all to myself. I want love to penetrate my skin and pump through my veins with my blood. I want love to look into my eyes and send me off into another universe. I want love to know that I didn't mean to yell at her, it was me not accepting her for who she is. I want love to see what I see when I look at her. I want love to be the tickle of fresh cut grass on my bare feet. I want love to wait for me to find her. I want love here and now, with me.

I want love!

Reflections

One of the biggest waves that comes crashing down on you when you realize you are heading towards divorce is your kids. I knew that I needed to do everything I possibly could to protect them and that meant even staying in my marriage and making it work even though it was broken. I had to, they needed me here with them, right. When the seams have become undone and your world is crashing, you always want to stay in status quo. I had lost all control of my life, my only rock was my kids. They were so young, they really didn't know what was going on around them. All I could think about was them, how could I protect them from this tidal wave of change.

One of the blessings of the divorce was my arrival to the therapist. This will be another blog post down the road about all the wonderful blessings that came from my three years in therapy with an amazing lady. One of the precious healings I was graced with was that it was ok to walk away from the storm. Do you know how hard it is to hear that when you think so differently? I slowly unraveled my subconscious believes about it and learned it was safe to accept things as they are. "Accept things as they are", those words became my mantra throughout the whole uncoupling process. I became strong in knowing that I had to be a rock for my kids and establish a safe, happy home that they could flourish in.

They were still young and had to adjust to two sets of parents and two different ways of acceptance. I had to come to grips with not seeing them every day and that was one of the most painful, soul splitting experiences I ever have come to live through. But these experiences are what makes you into who you are, I am the man and father I am today because of these events in my life.

What I know to be true for my family is that the best decision that was made was the divorce. The negative energy and tension that permeated the house in the later years was felt by all even if it wasn't on the surface. By us being apart now I know my kids are in a much better place both spiritually and emotionally. All I can do is love them unconditionally and madly and cherish every moment I have with them.