I remember when I was first divorced, their was much confusion and misinformation coming from the other side in regards to what was happening. I had to filter through it all and make sure that my son who was living with me completely understood the dynamics of this dramatic change in his life. One of the early memories that sticks with me today is when he came to me and said one of his classmates was telling other students that he wanted to blow up the school. To me this was the perfect segue to approach the subject of our communication together and how important it was for him to tell me everything he was feeling, thinking about and was bothering him. I was knee deep into therapy and discussed with my therapist this issue and how to talk to my children about the divorce.
I began to talk about the "box" inside all of us that most people use to put their feelings in. I explained that the box in most people can only hold so much "stuff" and then it over flows. Once the overflow happens it starts to poison people to start having thoughts that are caused by all the toxic overflow. I had to explain that when these feelings and thoughts aren't addressed and only stuffed down below that they fester and infiltrate the persons being. I referred to the kid he spoke about who also came from a divorced family and that was ignored at home according to what my son had heard from him. My son I believe completely understood the concept I was trying to convey. I also had the Social Worker from school speak with my son for several sessions to make sure he was processing the whole school atmosphere and being divorced. One of the prouder moments as a dad who values open communication and seamless transparency, was the call I received from the Social Worker after her sessions with my son. She told me that he was very open with his feelings and said that he talks to his dad about everything. She said that he seemed very understanding of the divorce and that she didn't feel she needed to see him anymore unless I thought or felt he needed it.
I am proud to say that to this day my son and I share a great relationship where we still share everything under the sun. I feel he is wise beyond his years because I share many complex ideas and spiritual concepts with him and we discuss everything. He recently shared a personal struggle with the other household that was causing him physical pain. I am proud that he came to me first and I was able to address the situation and help my son not have to feel that way anymore. I want this relationship and its open and transparent dynamics to continue into our old age.
